Here I am about to pull up on year 27 and I feel terrible about it. Terrible in a sense of realizing there is still a lot more growing and glowing that still needs to take place. Goals that haven’t been reached, accolades that have yet to be attained, and milestones that seem further and further away each day. Am I the only one who feels this way about life? If I am…..well o’ well. I’m about to go in about it anyway. So now is a good time to click out if you don’t feel like being real (joking not joking).
One thing that has remained the same in my life and that has helped me grow over the past few years has been, “Self-Reflection.” While everyone else seems to “go with the flow,” I’m over here stuck on stupid. Listening to my inner heart, still feeling what is right, and desiring better even if it kills how I feel. Self-reflection has been a painful but beautiful attribute that has allowed me to connect with others and have compassion in certain aspects. Even when my heart hurts for a situation that I feel I was wronged in, I still fight with the feeling of having to better my end. If I’ve hurt you in the past, trust me……..I know. Though self-reflection hurts, it is the one thing that has helped me to keep a humble heart and clear vision. Self-reflection has allowed me to kill my inner pride while still being able to stand tall in who I am.
Covering my mouth and shutting the hell up is something that I’m still learning through self-reflection. Back in the day I was slightly timid and even got bullied a little bit in school. I got called names and wasn’t really “cool enough” in a lot of ways. As I grew older and became more balanced in my personality, I realized that I had a voice. There were things that needed to be said, and people that needed to be spoken for. Discovering this, I became more confident, and overused the gift. I spoke up too often and defended myself when I didn’t really need to. I would lash out when I felt I was done wrong, and it even turned into rage when I knew people didn’t “want” to understand. Self-reflection has allowed me to consistently revamp that personality trait and turn it into something used for good. Sometimes I don’t need to speak up. Sometimes you don’t need to defend your intentions. Sometimes you just need to SHUT-UP.
My only prayer with everything (my personal life, my business, my interactions, etc) is that people SEE my heart. Sometimes that means killing yourself (pride) to do so. I’m still working on it. I’m still growing. I’m still glowing. I still have my black boy joy. And I still (unfortunately) have my self-reflection. I encourage you to not let the world turn your powerful attributes into things that are used to feed yourself as opposed to others. Your heart is heavy because your spirit is supposed to be light (caught that?). Though you may not hit certain goals, graduated from school, make enough money, and come from brokenness, please know there are things in you that are worth so much more and have built character in you. Mine has been my self-reflection.
Close your eyes. Breathe. Self-Reflect. Don’t stop.